… but it’s listed on Firebox and it’s not April so it looks like the stuff really does exist. The finest food scientists mankind has to offer have finally come up with the condiment to end them all:

Vegetarian-friendly spreadable bacon.

Words fail me. I’d love to be dismissive but since I’ve just ordered a jar that would be kind of hypocritical!

[Edit: Having now tried it, I can say it tastes more "smokey" than "bacon" to me - reminds me of Frazzles!]